I AM TURNING 21 YEARS OLD THIS SUNDAY.

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*disclaimer: my opinion maybe different with yours.
and i don't write this for any exact reason. u don't need those exact reasons to write, right?

i don't know which is worse; is it love-break up or a love that almost works but it doesn't in the end?

sadly, i cant give u the opinion about the love-break up. well, because i haven't been in a relationship.

i have this anxiety these days.
i have this question these days.
and, i have this insecurity since a long time ago.

why did all those love-things not work on me?

i don't know.
everyone doesn't know.
does my heart.

then this anxiety comes, in the middle of night, when i have nothing to do.
sucks.

if u asking me, did you cry?

my answer is, probably, maybe,
when the anxiety hits me hard.
when the insecurities hit my mind.
when the emptiness shout loud in my head.

i don't really get it.
when i have to 'open' my heart to someone,
then suddenly i ought to 'close' it, i could say with a compulsion.
it was really hard (when i already fell for him)
it didn't easy at all.
even i had to break another heart when i fixed mine.
that was an irony.

there is nothing wrong with a girl who hasn't been in a relationship for 21 years nor there is nothing right.
but, do i need to have that 'almost-relationship' kinda thing?
to clarify, Cancer-girl has the most sensitive heart.
it was tiring sometimes.

even that was a time when i hit the limit of myself,
i asked myself, "do i even worth to be loved?"
what a self-hate-relationship?!

BUT,
chill.
i am not that low-confidence-girl.
at some point of my life, i am grateful that i am single.

even that was a time that i hit the highest part of myself,
i talked to myself, "u don't deserve someone who love only a half of u, bcs u never love someone with a half heart."
what a self-love-relationship?!

maybe someday i will meet straightly to my mate,
and i hope this is right even sometimes i wanna 'experience' more. *smirk*

u know, Cancer (or maybe just me) has two different sides of soul, mind, or character/ lol

i am curious with all those beauty of relationship things. or even the bad sides one.
maybe God and semesta want me to explore more first, find out that beauty later.
and as the time goes by,
i realize...
i don't need someone handsome, tall, thin, thick-wallet, or those materialistic things (even i didn't care about that, but i did care about those physically things)
(maybe) i need someone who can comfort me with his thought,
we can share anything even to the weirdest things,
the one who i can share the silence,
the one who can talk for hours,
...and someone who love weird-part of mine.
//why is this ended up with my wish? LOL

this life will be not that interesting with our anxiety.
keep giving urself that love & hate relationship,
because for me, i'll know myself more when i really don't understand where does my life bring me,
keep believe on urself,
u are more than that.
even almost is never enough, but almost is better than nothing,
   (i wish i can be this positive all the time)